Introspection: A Time of Growth

This testimony was originally part of a talk delivered during a spiritual retreat on October 8, 2016.

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

A Time of Growth

So be careful how you live; be mindful of your steps.  Don't run around like idiots as the rest of the world does.  Instead, walk as the wise!  Make the most of every living and breathing moment because these are evil times.  So understand and be confident in God's will, and don't live thoughtlessly.

Ephesians 5:15-17 (The Voice)

I want to know You

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more

From "In the Secret" by Andy Park

There is a famous poem that describes a dream in which the poet is walking on a beach with God.  As she walks, she sees scenes from her life flashing across the sky in front of her, and, in each of these scenes, she sees footprints in the sand.  She begins to realize that, during the happy scenes of her life, she sees two sets of footprints and that, during the darker times, she sees only one set of footprints.  She reaches the disturbing conclusion that, during those dark times, God was nowhere to be found, and she asks God why He wasn't there for her when she needed Him the most.  God replies that, when she saw only one set of footprints, He was carrying her.

Many people consider the "Footprints" poem cliché, if not a bit cheesy.  I would probably roll my eyes at it as well, had I not lived it for myself.

In September of 2007, a few months after I graduated from college, I began working as a software engineer for a small company that made video games.  At first, my job might sound like a young programmer's dream, but this company did not make the type of video games in which a player fights hostile aliens or sets out on a journey to save a princess.  No, this company made the type of video game on which a player might literally waste his or her entire paycheck, hoping to hit the jackpot.

When I first heard about the job, I didn't think it would be a big deal to work in the gambling industry.  I never thought that gambling was a particularly good use of a person's money, but I figured that, as long as a person practiced moderation, it's not really a problem.  Plus, after spending my senior year hearing about the outsourcing of tech jobs, I figured I should probably take whatever job I could get without any actual work experience.  I could get the two years of experience I needed to land any other job and then move on.

After I accepted that job, I began to experience a growing sense of shame that followed me wherever I went.  I hated telling people where I worked, and sometimes, if I was asked, I would answer as vaguely as possible.  Around a year later, after my first major crunch period, I realized that my employers wanted a lot more from me than I wanted to give them.

I regretted accepting that job, and I even regretted majoring in computer science.  I realized that I had floated my way through life, doing only what I was supposed to do, and I felt that, by choosing my major based primarily on what would pay the bills, I had let a world of opportunities slip through my fingers.  I desperately wanted out of my job.  I just couldn't quit, because the fact that I had simply quit a job would not look good on my résumé if I ever wanted to work again.  I was hesitant to seek another programming job, since I wasn't even sure I wanted to be a programmer.  I was trapped.

That season of my life would mark the beginning of a time of growth for me.

Stuck in a bad job situation and unsure how to move forward, I turned to God.  Every day before work, I prayed that God would call me away from my job to something better.  While I waited, I began to wonder if maybe I had a future in the ministry.  I became more involved in the Church.  Wondering if I had it in me to deliver a sermon, I asked my pastor for a few opportunities to preach.  I also volunteered to teach Sunday school, knowing that my opportunities to preach would be few and far between once my current pastor retired.  I also started blogging so that I could continue writing and sharing my faith when I didn't have other opportunities.

Months passed, and my prayers were finally answered.  The company for which I worked bought another company, consolidated offices, and moved all operations out of state.  I finally had a legitimate reason to leave: because I was unwilling to relocate, I was terminated.

Looking back on the twenty-two months I spent in that dreary office in that godless industry, I see that God was holding me close the whole time.  In fact, I consider my job in the gambling industry a gift from God - in the same way the whale that swallowed Jonah was a gift from God.  It was the wake-up call that made me realize how important it is for me to be intentional about my life and my faith.  I sought another programming job, but, this time, I was more intentional with my search.  Three months after I lost my job, I began working as a computer programmer at Greenville Technical College.  For almost seven years now, I have been blessed with the opportunity to use my skills for the common good and not for evil.

At the same time, I continued exploring a future in the ministry.  My new pastor took an interest in my journey, and she encouraged me to start taking classes with Lay Servant Ministries.  I never went into full-time ministry, but, through my journey of exploration, studying the Bible became a very important part of my life.  Learning about life and faith and sharing what I've learned with others gives me a sense of purpose when I don't find it in my job.


The photograph of the plant growing through the asphalt was taken by me at my grandmother's house.