Introspection: My Testimony in Two Words

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My Testimony in Two Words

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him."

Lamentations 3:22-24 (NRSV)

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

From "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" by Thomas Chisholm

On one of the first Sundays I attended Travelers Rest United Methodist Church, my new church, a number of people in the congregation shared "cardboard testimonies."  As the term implies, a cardboard testimony is the story of a person's journey of faith, distilled so that it fits on a piece of cardboard.  The honesty, vulnerability, and hope that people shared through their brief testimonies were among the things that kept me going back to the church.

Today, on my first Sunday back to my new church following the final service of my home church, I had the opportunity to share my own cardboard testimony with the congregation.  Having seen the testimonies from last year, naturally I had already thought about what I would share if I were to prepare one of my own.  My idea was very simple, for my own journey of faith can be summarized in two words.

BROKEN

BELOVED

I think that maybe the inspiration for my cardboard testimony was something my friend Laura, a former pastor of my home church, said to me nearly five years ago.  I had the opportunity to write out my story of faith as part of a Bible study, and, after I shared my testimony with the group, Laura said that she heard in my story a progression from wanting to be loved to knowing that I am already loved.

In the years before I participated in that Bible study, I had been trying to get honest about my brokenness and work through it.  I am referring to the dysfunction, pain, struggle, and messiness of my life - the parts of myself I had been trying to hide from the world.  For this reason, I chose the word broken for the first side of my cardboard.

Pastor Laura frequently told the congregation that we are all "beloved children of God."  I chose the word beloved for the second side because I have been trying to live into the truth that I am, before anything else, a child God dearly loves.

People who share cardboard testimonies often write on both sides of their pieces of cardboard.  They show the congregation one side and then flip the cardboard to show the congregation the other side.  Typically one side represents one's past, while the other side represents one's present.  The difference between the two sides demonstrates what God has done in a person's life.  My own cardboard testimony was meant to be like this.  I wanted to show people that my journey of faith has been a journey from a state of "brokenness" to a state of "belovedness."

That said, when I was asked to share a cardboard testimony this time around, I was hesitant at first.  I realize that I have not fully healed from my brokenness and that I am still battling things I had hoped I would have conquered by now.  Furthermore, I don't think I'm really living my life with the full confidence of a child of God.

I decided to go through with my original idea, but I now understand that my testimony is less of a story of migration from one land to another and more of a story of dual citizenship.  I am still broken, yet I am also beloved of God.  My struggles with things like shame, loneliness, bitterness, envy, anger, and inadequacy are still a very real part of my life, but I can see God's love for me in the blessings I experience in life, like grace, community, healing, and purpose.  I am still a work in progress, and I suspect that I will be a work in progress for the rest of my life.

Having said goodbye to my home church and having fulfilled a commitment to another church, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders this week.  As I spent some time looking back on my journey, I came to the realization that, while I was focusing on everything in my life that isn't what I want it to be and everything I've lost in the last few years, I unknowingly entered into another season of growth.  Recently I found a new church home; I was approved to be certified as a Lay Speaker; I taught my first course for Lay Servant Ministries; and I have been preaching more than ever.  I'm starting to wonder if maybe my season of pain and loss somehow helped to make my season of growth and success possible.

Life is messy and complex, and quite often we walk the line between one reality and another.  I know that I am broken in many ways, but, at the same time, I know that I am a beloved child of God.  Quite often I get so wrapped up in the brokenness and struggles of my life that I fail to recognize how much God has blessed me.  I encourage you, the reader, to remember that, no matter how broken you feel, you too are a child of God.  Amid life's struggles, may you always be aware of how much God loves you, and may your eyes be opened to God's blessings.


The photographs featured above were taken by my mother at Travelers Rest United Methodist Church, after the service.