Introspection: Looking Back

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Looking Back

Enter his gates with thanksgiving,

and his courts with praise.

Give thanks to him, bless his name.

For the Lord is good;

his steadfast love endures forever,

and his faithfulness to all generations.

Psalm 100:4-5 (NRSV)

I forgot that I might see

So many beautiful things

I forgot that I might need

To find out what life could bring

From "Beautiful Things" by Andain

Since another calendar year is coming to an end, I spent some time over the past week looking back on 2017.  As I skimmed over my journal entries from the past year, I noticed some recurring themes - or perhaps I should say, recurring feelings.  One feeling is that of loss.  I don't think I've quite gotten over the losses I experienced a couple of years ago, and I suffered even more loss when the church I attended for most of my life closed it's doors in July.  Another recurring theme is anger.  I have a tendency to lose my cool when things go wrong, and it seems that things go wrong all the time.  A third is anxiety.  The things that have worried me over the last few years have not changed, and I feel like I'm always finding new sources of worry.

Probably the theme or feeling that came up in my journal the most during the past year is tiredness.  I lost count of how many times I wrote in my journal, "I'm tired."  I must have spent the entire year exhausted.  I suspect that my tiredness is somehow related to the other feelings I felt last year.

At the beginning of the year, I wrote that, after a prolonged season of pain, frustration, and stagnation in my life, I was trying to reconnect with a certain feeling I felt circa 2010, a stirring I felt in my soul amid a time of movement and positive change in my life.  Years ago, I felt that my life was actually heading somewhere, and I wanted to experience that feeling again after spending far too much time feeling that I've been spinning my wheels.

Looking back over the past year has also given me a chance to evaluate whether or not there has been any change, movement, or growth in my life, despite my feelings to the contrary.

By the middle of the year, I realized that I had unwittingly entered into another season of growth, particularly when it comes to preaching.  I delivered my very first sermon around Christmas of 2008, because I wanted to know if I had it in me to preach.  Since then, I've preached a few times every year, mostly at my home church.  When I left my home church in late 2015, I figured that my preaching "career" was pretty much over.  Ironically, the one thing I was certain I would lose was one thing that actually flourished.  From July of 2016 through June of 2017, I preached more than I had ever preached in any twelve-month span.

In March, a friend of mine who is a pastor asked me to "prayerfully consider" preaching at his church in August.  To be honest, I didn't pray about it: I just said yes.  Often I feel somewhat annoyed when people want something from me; however, when I am asked to preach, I enthusiastically jump at the opportunity, even though I know I will have to give up more of my free time so that I can prepare or revise a sermon.

I delivered my last sermon in August, and I probably will not preach again until February of the new year.  My opportunities to preach have been few lately, mostly because I did a majority of my preaching at my home church, which, as I noted earlier, has closed its doors.  This slow season has given me the opportunity to figure out where I belong in my new church, which I officially joined in September, having attended regularly for more than a year and a half.  I've started taking turns leading Sunday school once again, and I will also start leading my small group when we start meeting again in the new year.  What I like about attending a larger church is that I can focus my energies on doing the things I feel led to do without having to juggle a bunch of hats I have no business wearing.

A few other significant events happened in my life this year.  In March, I taught a class on Wesleyan heritage and doctrine for Lay Servant Ministries.  In April, I was finally certified as a Lay Speaker in the United Methodist Church, meaning that I am now officially certified to do what I've been doing for years.  During the last quarter of the year, I participated in a somewhat intensive study of the Old Testament at my new church.

There was indeed movement and change in my life last year, though my vision was frequently clouded by things like anxiety, frustration, and tiredness.  I have also regained some of what I've lost.  If I have learned anything by looking back on the past year, it is that our feelings, particularly those that weigh us down, might not be the best gauge for our lives.  I am not saying that we should ignore our feelings completely, for, like the warning lights on the dashboard of a car, they might be telling us that we have problems that need to be addressed.  What I am saying is that sometimes we actually need to take an inventory of our lives if we want to see what is really going on, in spite of what our feelings might be telling us.

As you can probably tell, I have a tendency to lose sight of the good things I have in life because I'm so focused on the good things I've lost and the good things I fear I'll never have.  I suppose it's easy to lose sight of the good in life because things like loss and disappointment are painful and, as a result, are difficult to ignore.

So how can I prevent myself from losing sight of the good things in my life?  This is one of those situations in which I already know the solution to my problem but have failed to put it into practice.  I think a good way for us to keep our eyes on the good things in our lives is to practice gratitude.  Practicing gratitude will not negate the painful things of life, but it can serve as a reminder that there is more to life than the painful things by forcing us to take stock of what is good.  Gratitude might also be a good focus for a new year.

It is a common practice to make a resolution at the beginning of a new calendar year, but our New Year's resolutions are utterly useless if we do not take actual steps to meet our goals.  What steps can we take if we want to become more grateful in the new year?  As for me, I think I will start by making it a practice to look back at the end of each day and find at least one thing from the day for which I can be thankful.

As you look back on 2017 and look ahead to 2018, dear reader, may you give thanks for the good things of the past year and bid the bad things a not-so-fond adieu.  May you have a happy - and grateful - new year!


The photograph of the car mirror was taken by Joe Mabel and is used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.