Introspection: My Painfully Comfortable Life

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

My Painfully Comfortable Life

I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9 (NRSV)

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

From "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls

I decided at the end of last year that my focus for this year would be to cultivate a sense of self-worth.  Earlier this year, when I started working through a self-help course on dignity, I learned that an important part of self-worth is self-knowledge and that an important thing to know about oneself is what one wants out of life.¹  Two things I've always wanted in life are intimacy and purpose.  I want a companion in life who deeply loves me, and I want a purpose in life that deeply drives me.

Recently I've started to realize that the things I claim I want the most might also be the things that scare me the most.  That said, I might have been a bit off target when I set my focus for the year.

In early September, I saw that Facebook had rolled out a dating app.  Since I already use Facebook, I decided to go ahead and create a dating profile.  For some reason, I would start feeling anxious whenever I worked on it.  I wasn't able to simply switch gears and focus on anything else afterward.  Less than a week after I finished my dating profile, the app started picking out potential matches for me.  I noticed a few women I might have liked to meet, but I was hesitant to express an interest in any of them.  I suppose I was taking a wait-and-see approach, waiting to see if any of them expressed an interest in me.

A few days later, I made a mistake.  I've had a smart phone for a number of years, but I can still a bit clumsy when it comes to touch screens.  As I was looking at some of my potential matches, I accidentally tapped the button indicating that I was interested in one of them.  I panicked.  I still wasn't ready to reach out to anyone, so I looked for a way to undo what I had done.  When I was unable to find a way, I deleted my dating profile, hoping the woman wouldn't notice me.  I figured I could easily recreate my dating profile if I ever wanted to try the app again.

It was then I realized that I have a fear of dating.

I've tried to figure out exactly why I find the prospect of dating so terrifying.  Maybe I'm afraid of being rejected.  Given my track record, maybe I'm afraid that nobody will want to date me.  Maybe I'm afraid that someone will want to meet me and then decide that I'm not enough for her once she gets to know me.  Maybe I'm actually more afraid that I won't be rejected.  Maybe I'm afraid that someone will like me more than I like her and that I'll end up hurting her.  Maybe I fear the excruciating vulnerability that true intimacy requires.  Maybe I'm afraid that a romantic relationship will require too much of me.

Something else that has been bothering me lately is the relatively low number of page views this blog has been getting.  Social media is my primary means of promoting my blog posts, so I started wondering if I've been "shadow banned."  In other words, I wondered if maybe the social media sites I've been using have stacked the deck against me.  I figured I was probably flattering myself to think that the moderators or algorithms that run these sites found me that significant.  If people considered my blog to be worth reading, they would be reading it.

I realized that fear has also been getting in the way of my writing.  I could work harder to promote my blog, but I know that increased readership would invite increased criticism.  I'm afraid that, if I share some of my more controversial thoughts, I'll get my head handed to me by either the "clowns to the left of me" or the "jokers to the right."²

It has been said that "every system is perfectly designed to get the results it gets."³  Generally this idea is applied to the business world, but I've started thinking about it in the context of my own life.  I claim that I want a significant other, yet I'm chronically single.  I claim that I want a sense of purpose in my life, yet my job typically feels like a grind.  I constantly lament the loneliness and apparent pointlessness of my life, but I'm starting to wonder if I've "perfectly designed" my life to be as it is.

My problem, I suspect, is that I fear painful things like rejection and failure and that I've structured my life so that I will never have to face them.  My way of life is precisely what is keeping me stuck.  My life is painfully mundane, yet it is predictable and relatively easy.  Many meaningful things in life require risk of some sort.  I'll never have the intimacy and purpose I claim I want in life if I'm not willing to risk rejection and failure.  Intimacy requires vulnerability, and with vulnerability comes a greater risk of rejection.  Purpose brings with it responsibility, and with responsibility comes a greater risk of failure and greater consequences of failure.

I chose to work on my sense of self-worth this year, because I thought that it would give me the confidence to pursue what I claim want in life.  Perhaps what's been holding me back in life is not low self-esteem but rather fear.  I think that self-deprecation might have actually been my way of copping out - my excuse for not facing my fears.  Why should I bother facing my fears if I'm "not enough" in the first place?  What I need to cultivate is not a sense of self-worth but rather courage.  What's scary about cultivating courage is that it requires one to be... well... courageous.  Courage is a virtue that is not possessed but rather practiced.

I can continue playing it safe and go on living a painfully comfortable life, but the restlessness that haunts me will keep coming back because I'm meant for more.

Several years ago, while I was checking out at a store, I noticed that my cashier had some words tattooed on her arm.  I asked her what her tattoo said, and she replied, "Rid me of my fear.  Rid me of my pride."  I thought it was a profound prayer, so I said, "Amen."  Now I see that I too need to be rid of the fear that is holding me back and to be rid of the pride that keeps me protecting myself from risk.  Again I say, "Amen."


Notes:

1. This course on dignity was originally offered free of charge by life coach Steve Austin (catchingyourbreath.com).
2. I'm using phrases from the song "Stuck in the Middle with You" by Stealers Wheel to describe argumentative, opinionated people who are either lot more progressive or a lot more conservative than I.
3. This quote or one like it has been attributed to various people including W. Edwards Deming.

The photograph featured in this introspection has been released to the public domain.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.

Perspective: Mutual Submission

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Mutual Submission

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Ephesians 5:21 (NIV)

---

There is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or free, there is no longer male and female; for all of you are one in Christ Jesus.

Galatians 3:28 (NRSV)

We will walk with each other; we will walk hand in hand

We will walk with each other; we will walk hand in hand

And together we'll spread the news that God is in our land

And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love

Yeah they'll know we are Christians by our love

From "They'll Know We Are Christians by Our Love" by Peter Scholtes

I've noticed that certain Christians like to stress the parts of Scripture that seem to privilege them over other people.  For example, a few days ago, a certain married male pastor shared the following verse on Twitter, describing it as a "command" that "stands on its own": "Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord."  He went on to claim that it does not need to be interpreted in light of the surrounding verses.  What this pastor does not seem to acknowledge is that this particular verse from St. Paul's Letter to the Ephesians is actually nestled within a larger discussion.¹

In my study of the Letter to the Ephesians, I've found that, in much of the letter, Paul describes what it means for us as Christians to live together as the Body of Christ.  At one point in the letter, Paul urges his readers to "be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ."  He then goes on to describe what this exhortation means for six specific groups of people: wives, husbands, children, fathers, slaves, and masters of slaves.

To wives, Paul writes, "Be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord."  He then writes, "For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior.  Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands."  It is important to remember that Paul is writing in a patriarchal society.  In a patriarchal society, the father is the head of the household, meaning that it could be rightly said that, in such a society, the father is to his own nuclear family what Christ is to the worldwide family called the Church.

To Husbands, Paul writes, "Love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..."  If a father in a patriarchal society is to the nuclear family what Christ is to the Church, and if the Church is the Bride of Christ, then a husband needs treat his bride in the same way that Christ treated His.  In the Gospels, we read that Christ washed His disciples' dirty feet,² touched unclean lepers,³ taught that the greatest of all is the servant of all, insisted that His followers were not to lord their authority over others,⁴ sweat blood as He surrendered His own will for the greater good,⁵ and then died a painful and humiliating death on a cross for the sake of the people He loves.⁶

Those actions sound pretty darn submissive to me.

It's worth noting that Paul spills a lot more ink when he is addressing husbands than when he is addressing wives: only three verses are dedicated to wives, while nine verses are dedicated to husbands.  It seems to me that he thinks husbands have a lot more to learn than wives about being "subject to one another."  Some Christian men enjoy harping on about how wives are supposed to submit to their husbands, but, if husbands are required to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, then they are actually called to an even greater level of submission than their wives.

To children, Paul writes, "Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right," and he goes on to remind them of the Commandment to honor their fathers and mothers.  Paul then writes to fathers, "Do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."  Notice that Paul is basically saying that not only do children have an obligation to their parents but that parents also have an obligation to their children.

Paul then turns his attention to slaves and their masters.  To slaves, he writes, "Render service with enthusiasm, as to the Lord and not to men and women, knowing that whatever good we do, we will receive the same again from the Lord, whether we are slaves or free."  To the masters of slaves, Paul writes, "Do the same to them.  Stop threatening them, for you know that both of you have the same Master in heaven, and with him there is no partiality."  Again notice that not only do slaves have an obligation to their masters but masters also have an obligation to their slaves.  Furthermore, they are equal before Christ.

Paul, in his letter to the Ephesians, instructs his readers to submit to one another and then goes on to describe what Christian submission looks like in a society marked by patriarchy and slavery.  What Paul says to wives, children, and slaves was nothing new.  Wives already knew that they were to submit to their husbands; children already knew that they were to submit to their parents; and slaves already knew that they were to submit to their masters.  What's groundbreaking is what Paul says to husbands, fathers, and masters of slaves.  Husbands and fathers are to submit to their wives and children, and masters are to submit to their slaves.  Paul's point is that Christian submission is not one-sided but rather mutual.

Throughout the years, Paul's words have been wrongly used to maintain patriarchy and slavery, even though they actually laid the groundwork to dismantle such hierarchies.  All of us are equal before Christ.  Where I live, overt forms of slavery have been made illegal, and patriarchy is in the process of being dismantled.  Whatever hierarchies exist in society today, Paul's overall point still stands.  The Church is a family of whom Christ alone is the head.  As Christians, we strive to follow Christ's lead as we submit to one another in love.


Notes:

1. A majority of this passage is based on Ephesians 5:21-6:9.  Quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version.
2. John 13:3-5
3. Mark 1:40-42
4. Mark 10:42-45
5. Luke 22:41-44
6. Matthew 26:47-27:56, Mark 14:43-15:41, Luke 22:47-23:49, John 18:1-19:30

Jesus Washing Peter's Feet was painted by Ford Madox Brown in the 1850s.

Perspective: No Mere Healer

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

No Mere Healer

Then Jesus asked, "Were not ten [lepers] made clean?  But the other nine, where are they?  Was none of them found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?"

Luke 17:17-18 (NRSV)

Woe to me, I am unclean

A sinner found in Your presence

I see You seated on Your throne

Exalted, Your glory surrounds You

From "Ruin Me" by Jeff Johnson

In the Gospel of Luke, we read that one day, while Jesus was journeying toward Jerusalem with the Disciples, He was met by ten people with leprosy as He approached a village.¹  From a distance, the lepers yelled out to Him, "Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!"  Jesus said to them, "Go and show yourselves to the priests."  In Jesus' day, one of the duties of a priest was to verify whether or not someone was healed of leprosy.²  When these ten people were examined by priests, they were all found to be free of leprosy.

Nine of the ten lepers were Jewish like Jesus, but the tenth was a Samaritan.  Typically Jews and Samaritans did not get along with each other, but these ten individuals had found common ground in their skin condition, in their shared stigma, and in their isolation from society.³  When the Samaritan was found to be healed of his leprosy, he ran back to Jesus, shouting praises to God.  When he saw Jesus, he threw himself at His feet and thanked Him.

Jesus wondered out loud, "Were not ten made clean?  But the other nine, where are they?  Was none of them found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?"  He then said to the Samaritan, "Get up and go on your way; your faith has made you well."

Typically this story is told as a lesson in gratitude, and the Samaritan in the story is lifted up as an example of someone who practices the oft-neglected virtue.  Ten people are healed of a dreaded disease, but only one of them returns to his Healer to say, "Thank you."  The importance of gratitude in a culture of ingratitude is a good lesson to glean from this story.  It is important that we be thankful for the gifts we receive in this life, and it is important that we express our gratitude to the givers of these gifts.  That said, I think that there might be other lessons we can glean from this story.

Notice that Jesus asked, "Was none of them found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?"  The Samaritan did indeed express his gratitude to Jesus, but Jesus called attention not to his gratitude for being healed but to the fervent praise his healing had evoked in him.  Apparently, Jesus was not troubled that nine of the ten former lepers did not come back to thank Him for healing them.  Rather, He was troubled that only one of them was inspired to joyously praise God because he had been healed.

The story of the ten lepers is an example of a story in which the supposed outsider gets the picture, while the presumed insiders don't quite get it.  Earlier in the Gospel, Jesus tells the Parable of the Good Samaritan, in which two "holy men of God" leave an injured man to bleed to death by the side of the road, while a hated Samaritan helps the man, demonstrating what it means to follow God's command to love your neighbor as yourself.⁴

I wonder if maybe the joyous praise of the Samaritan suggests that he realized something about Jesus that the other healed lepers didn't quite understand.  Later on, after Jesus was crucified, resurrected, and taken up to Heaven, the apostle Peter spoke to a large crowd and referred to Jesus as "a man attested to you by God with deeds of power, wonders, and signs that God did through him among you."⁵  The healing of a dreaded disease is amazing in it's own right, but, in Jesus' case, miraculous healings are meant to point to a greater reality, that Jesus was sent by God for a particular purpose.

Still speaking of Jesus, Peter went on to proclaim that "God has made him both Lord and Messiah."⁶  Jesus is not merely a healer.  He is the liberating King who was sent by God to save humanity from all that oppresses us, from the stigma of a skin disease to the fear of death itself.  I wonder if maybe the Samaritan was driven to praise God because he saw past what Jesus did for him and caught a glimpse of who Jesus is, the very embodiment of God's love for us.

I suspect that, for many of us, Jesus is little more than a means to an end - a ticket to Heaven or a name we invoke at the ends of our prayers to get God to answer them.  May we see past what we want Jesus to do for us so that we see Jesus for who He is, our liberating King who is worthy to be praised and followed.


Notes:

1. Much of this perspective is based on Luke 17:11-19.  Quotations from this passage are taken from the New Revised Standard Version.
2. Leviticus 14:2-3a
3. William Barclay.  The New Daily Study Bible: The Gospel of Luke.  2001, Westminster John Knox Press.  p. 258
4. Luke 10:25-37
5. Acts 2:22 (NRSV)
6. Acts 2:36 (NRSV)

The Healing of Ten Lepers was painted by James Tissot in the late 1800s.