Introspection: Happy New Year?

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Happy New Year?

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven...

Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NRSV)

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?

From "Auld Lang Syne" by Robert Burns

Every year on New Year's Eve, I stay up late and tune in to Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve to watch the Times Square Ball drop and to count down to the start of the new year, like many other people in my time zone.  For the last two years, at the end of the countdown, I did not yell, like most people, "Happy New Year!"  Instead, I yelled, at the year that had just come to an end, "See you in hell!"  Living through a pandemic and losing three close family members made me rather eager to bid the last two years a not so fond adieu.

As I began to consider what I would yell at the stroke of midnight tonight, I realized that, for me, 2022 was not quite as bad as the two years that preceded it.  I didn't lose any more family members this year, and my life has seemed a bit more normal than it was in the last two years.

That said, 2022 still felt like a bad year much of the time.

Late last year, I realized that I do not have the abiding sense of peace that some people seem to have, so I decided that I needed to seek peace this year.  As I started praying the Serenity Prayer,¹ I realized that I needed to learn to take life as it comes and to trust God with whatever happens.  I realized that my worrying about things was not doing me any good but was just wearing me out.  Unfortunately, I didn't take the lessons I learned to heart.  I spent much of the year feeling anxious, and, instead of trusting God with whatever happened, I exerted what little control I had over my situation and made myself miserable in the process.

Before the pandemic, I rarely worried about contracting illnesses.  I might have occasionally worried about catching the flu late in the year if, having dragged my feet in getting my yearly vaccination, I heard a coworker start coughing.  This year, I could not seem to stop worrying about becoming sick, and, because I ended up equating peace with the absence of worry, I ended up avoiding people.

Summer turned out to be a rather lonely season for me.  Neither my Sunday school class nor my church small group meet during the summer; I was watching services from my church online at the time; and I was generally keeping to myself.  For a while, I felt that all I had in my life was my job, which had also become more stressful for me due to a number of retirements at my workplace.  One positive thing about the summer was that I was able to take Fridays off.  I started visiting a state park near my home and hiking the trails there.

As autumn neared, things started to change.  Receiving the updated COVID-19 vaccine made me feel a little better about being around people.  My Sunday school class and my small group resumed meeting; I started attending church in-person again; and I reunited with some of my friends.  I started to realize that, despite my anxiety, isolation was not doing me any good.

As I look back, it is starting to make sense to me that I would start sensing a lack of peace in my life shortly before Christmas.  For a time when we remember an angelic announcement of peace on earth and goodwill to all,² Christmas tends to be a very stressful time for me.  I always worry about what I'm going to give people, and the holiday itself has been tainted by a bitter argument I had with my father over ten years ago.  Because a number of different viruses were circulating late this year, I started to worry that I would ruin Christmas for my family if I caught one of them, and I ended up skipping gatherings with my friends.

Luckily I didn't ruin my family's Christmas celebration by becoming sick.  Either I worried needlessly, or my precautions paid off.  Looking back, I realize that, even if I had become sick, I wouldn't have ruined Christmas for my family, as we would have celebrated as soon as everyone was healthy once again.  Something else I'm starting to realize is that, if I am ever going to find peace, I will need to show myself some grace.  In less churchy terms, I will need to cut myself some slack.

I consider my year of seeking peace a failure since I didn't seem to find very much of it.  That said, I do think that I'm in a better place than I was one year ago.  2022 was another difficult year for me, but, since I do not consider it an especially bad year, I will not be bitterly cursing it as it comes to an end.  Normally, at this time, I would tell you about my focus for the next year.  Though I have made a concrete resolution for 2023, I do not feel that I should share it as this time; however, I will be writing about it over the course of the next year.

Whether or not 2022 was a good year for you, dear reader, I hope that that 2023 proves to be a better year for both of us.

Happy New Year!


Notes:

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer
2. Luke 2:13-14

The photograph of the Times Square Ball used at the turn of the millenium was taken by Hunter Kahn, who has released it to the public domain.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.