Introspection: Death by Nostalgia

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Death by Nostalgia

Brothers and sisters, I myself don't think I've reached [my goal], but I do this one thing: I forget about the things behind me and reach out for the things ahead of me.  The goal I pursue is the prize of God's upward call in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:13-14 (CEB)

And I've been thinking about the future

I hope someday I'll get away

But the current keeps bringing me back around

Seems the only place for me is underground

From "The Current" by Blue Man Group

This year, I made a heretofore unannounced commitment to post an introspection on this blog every month.  My goal for the year is to build up my sense of self-worth and to gain some self-confidence in the process, and I'm hoping that writing these more personal blog posts will provide both the motivation and the accountability I need to keep moving forward on my journey.  Writing these introspective posts has required me to regularly "check in with myself" through journaling, and I feel like I've been staring into a proverbial abyss lately.

Recently, I realized that, for far too long, the story I've been telling myself about my life has been a story of loss - a story that is not at all true.  Basically, I've been so busy lamenting the losses I've suffered in recent years that I have failed to appreciate what is good in my life and have failed to see that I actually have more than I had previously.

Since then, I've been seeing more and more how much I've been living in the past.

Something I realized earlier this year is that, at this time in my life, I don't have any long-term goals or aspirations.  A couple of weeks ago, I told a friend of mine that I think I need to learn how to dream again, because lately, instead of dreams, all I've had is cynicism and sour grapes.  It was an interesting choice of words.  Originally cynics were people who eschewed worldly pleasures in favor of spiritual virtues, but nowadays cynicism is a general distrust of people.¹  Sour grapes is the tendency to denigrate what one has not been able to attain.  The term originates from one of Aesop's fables, in which a fox tries to reach some grapes hanging high over the ground, until he finally gives up, telling himself that the grapes are probably sour.²

I think that both my cynicism and my sour grapes stem from disappointment.  The former results from disappointment in other people, while the latter results from disappointment in life.

My preferred form of exercise is walking.  Walking offers me the opportunity to not only burn off some calories but also to sort through my thoughts while enjoying the sights and sounds of nature or other people, provided that I keep my phone in my pocket.  Lately I've realized that I have an emotionally masochistic tendency to walk around at places that make me feel wistful.  I often walk at my alma mater, where I see the familiar sights of campus and long for my college days, or at a local shopping mall, where I see a lot of teenagers and long for my own teenage years.  I often wish that I could turn back the clock so that I could make better use of my younger days.

I complain about being stuck in life, but I'm starting to think that one of the things keeping me stuck is living in the past.  I've been living from a place of loss, disappointment, and regret, all of which are rooted in the past.  Instead of fixating on what was, what could have been, and what should have been, I need to be focused on what is and what can be.

Lately I've realized that, if I want to make some positive internal changes, I need to pay attention to what I think, say, and do, so that I can catch myself in old patterns and make corrections.

Until recently, I enjoyed breakfast with my mother and my grandmother at my grandmother's house on Saturdays.  For the last few months, my grandmother has been in a nursing home, recovering from some health issues, so my mother and I have been enjoying our Saturday breakfast at various restaurants.  One restaurant we have frequented is in an old mall, where most of the stores have been leased out to nearby institutions of higher learning.  Students can actually take courses at this University Center.³

Two weeks ago, after breakfast, my mother and I walked around the University Center and looked at the institutions represented there.  I remembered a day from the year I took off between high school and college, when my father drove me to the University Center so that I could inquire about taking a mathematics course from the university I wanted to attend.  I don't remember exactly what I was told, but I believe I was informed that the course I wanted to take was a sophomore-level course and then referred to the regular admission process.  I told my mother that I was looking forward to my life back then but that I just look back on my life nowadays.

Last week, my mother and I ate breakfast at the TRee House Cafe & Studio, which is, as its name implies, a place where one can grab a meal and a cup of coffee and also paint a piece of art.⁴  The TRee House is very close to the church I now attend, so I usually enjoy brunch and coffee there with a good friend of mine after church.  I introduced my mother to the owner of the cafe and to an employee I usually see on Sundays, and I recommended that she try the breakfast panini I often order.

On one Saturday morning, I was living in the past, but, on the next, I was very much living in the present.  I had unwittingly taken a step in the right direction.  I need to figure out how I can keep taking steps that will keep me in the present.  I need to watch for times when I speak or act out of disappointment and times when I do something that makes me long for the past.  Perhaps one step is to start taking my walks at the parks in my city or on the trail that runs by my church.

There is no way for me to relive or redo the past, so it is pointless for me to waste my time longing for it.  I need to live my life with my back turned on the past, my feet planted in the present, and my eyes turned toward the future.


Notes:

1. Wikipedia: "Cynicism (contemporary)"
2. Wikipedia: "The Fox and the Grapes"
3. https://greenville.org/
4. https://www.facebook.com/KCafalunch/

The photograph of the tire stuck in sand was taken by Alex Borland and has been released to the public domain.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.