Introspection: Inertia

I share these thoughts hoping they are of help to someone else.

Comments are always welcomed.

If you find these thoughts helpful, please share.

Inertia

Get me out of this prison

so I can give thanks to your name.

Then the righteous will gather all around me

because of your good deeds to me.

Psalm 142:7 (CEB)

Break me down

Replace this fear inside

Take this nothingness from me

I want to fight

I want to shine

I want to rise

Break me down

From "Break Me Down" by RED

"The sky is falling...  The sky is falling..." my friend texted me back in March.

"Frankly, I think I'd rather die of the damn virus than live in fear of it," I texted back.

Oh, what a difference a few months of staying at home makes!  The bravado I had in March is gone, and I can definitely say that I'm afraid of catching the virus.

Back in March, I told family members and coworkers that I had no intention of working from home, because I would go stir crazy.

Earlier this month, I was relieved to hear that I would continue working from home for at least a few more weeks.

At first, I didn't want to "practice social distancing," "shelter in place," or wear a mask.

Last week, when I ventured out and went to a store, wearing a mask, I saw that all customers were required to wear masks, and I felt better about being there.

A couple of months ago, I hated the thought of using video conferencing apps for my church small group, because it is a poor substitute for meeting in person.  I was afraid that the measures we were taking to protect ourselves and each other from the virus would become the wave of the future and that a new age of isolation was at hand.

When my church started having discussions about once again holding in-person small group meetings - with necessary precautions - I felt that it would probably be better keep having our meetings online.

I feel wistful when I think of the good things in my life that are no more, and I wonder how much of my social life I will have to rebuild if things ever return to normal.

At the same time, I don't seem to be in too much of a hurry to return to my life as it was.

I hate getting up in the morning, because I'd rather keep sleeping.  I also hate going to bed at night, because I'd rather stay awake.  I've had this problem long before the pandemic.  I seem to be subject to Isaac Newton's first law of motion, the law of inertia, which states that "objects at rest tend to stay at rest" and that "objects in motion tend to stay in motion."¹  If I'm going, I don't want to stop, and, if I've stopped, I don't want to start going again.  This tendency seems to be at work in my life in a larger scale right now.  My life has screeched to a halt, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it to start going again.

On Saturdays, I pick up breakfast for my mother and myself at a cafe near my church.  One Saturday last month, as I was driving to the cafe, I saw people out and about, living their best lives, apparently not giving a damn about the pandemic.  I started to wonder who the real fools were.  Were the people out and about foolish for not being concerned about the pandemic, or were the rest of us foolish for not living our lives to the fullest?

If we are living in fear, we have a reason, for lately my state has been breaking its record of daily reported cases every few days.  Perhaps my hesitation to return to my life as it was is justified.

Obviously, I'm feeling a bit conflicted at the moment.  I should be ready for my life to return to normal, because sitting around at home all the time isn't doing me any good.  I should be eager to return to the office, especially since the circumstances that keep me working at home are horrible.

Earlier this year, as I began trying to cultivate courage, I realized that I haven't done a very good job of accepting myself.  As I've noted previously, until the last few months, I didn't spend very much time at home.  I'm starting to think there was a reason I didn't want to start staying at home so much.  I think that maybe I've been trying to prove that I'm not an introverted homebody.  I think that maybe I was afraid that I was personally heading for an age of isolation.  I think that maybe I've been afraid finding out that I might actually be what I've been trying not to be.

I thought I would need courage to face the world.

Apparently I also need courage to face myself.


Notes:

1. Or something like that.

The photograph of the door handle has been released to the public domain.  The photographer is in no way affiliated with this blog.